It Is Conker Season Are You Hard Enough

It has been a few years since I last played Conkers, in fact more years  than I care to remember. I guess the last time I played conkers I was probably in primary School, life was so simple then. If you don’t know what the game of Conkers is all about, well I guess you need to Google it.

Conkers was probably the most dangerous thing we got up to back then, I was only kidding with the dangerous comment. Even though some schools have banned it or they make the kids wear goggles, what a joke. What is happening to society, when rubbish like this is happening.

Some schools have seemingly banned Conkers because of the legal implications of a child being injured from playing the game whilst at school. I get it now, a child gets a wee injury and the corrupt parent is blaming the school and trying to sue them for thousands. There wasn’t such a thing as the compensation culture that we have now, back in my day. One of those things that our American friends invented and eventually ended up on our shores to mainly be exploited by the criminally minded and those looking for an easy buck, as well as to make lawyers even richer.

You may be wondering why London’s Coolest Blog, well in my mind anyway, Is harping on about Conkers. Well I suppose the pastime of conkers came to my attention, when I was wandering around in Kilburn enjoying the sunshine and I came upon a Conker tree. It brought back some happy memoires as a wee kid, hunting for Conkers and then hardening the thing in the hope of becoming an all conquering Conker champion of Scotland, or I should say my local neighbourhood.

I remember back in the day in Scotland, in my area the problem we had was trying to find a Conker tree or I should say a Horse Chestnut Tree, they were few and far between. So when I came upon a Conker tree, with literally thousands of Conkers on it I was truly amazed, I don’t think I have seen anything like it in my life.

I think when I was a kid the rules were pretty straight forward you tossed a coin to see who went first and you would keep on trying to smash your opponents Conker until you missed and then it would be his turn. The things we would do to harden our conquers would be something as hi tech as soaking it in vinegar for a couple of days and wolla it would be ready for action or baking it in the oven for while. Of course no one would admit that his Conker wasn’t natural.

In those days it was a purely male pastime, I cant recall ever seeing a girl playing the game. I suppose in those good old days, you would very rarely see a woman trying to play football or the ridiculous site of them boxing. Oh how things have changed for the worst, and the only woman you would see with tattoos were standing on street corners selling themselves.

I remember vividly my greatest ever Conker, which was roughly an 100 er, this Conker was a freak. It looked weird as hell, and felt as hard as rock. In fact I remember one of my friends who was called,  ”Goon” claimed that it was a piece of rock. I remember asking him, how I got the shoelace through a piece of rock, I’m still waiting on the answer, so if you are out there Goon, let me know.

Unfortunately the Champion Conker came to an untimely demise, when my dog brutalised it and destroyed it. I eventually forgive Champ, after about 7 years and became best friends with him again. My dreams for that Conkers season were shattered and even to this day, it brings back some painful memories, I’m only kidding.

If only I could have found a Conker tree like this one, which I came across in Kilburn the other day, when I was a kid, I would have been in kiddie heaven. I wonder if kids are still even playing Conkers or whether because of our namby pamby society they are now being forced to hold underground championships away from the beady eye of teachers and over protective parents.