Hunting For Ashley Cole | All I Want To Do Is Bite His Head Off

I braved the hustle and bustle of the BIG Poundland on Kilburn High Road this morning. There were a few bits and pieces I was needing from the cheapest shop in town. I thought I might as well pay a quid for them as opposed to double that in Sainsbury’s or Superdrug.

I aint ashamed to say I shop in Poundland and I don’t quickly put the contents into another bag as soon as I exit the shop, if you know what I mean posh twats in Twickenham! Nowadays I’m what you would call a frugal shopper, why give your money away when you don’t need to that’s my motto.

Anyway to cut to the chase I was queuing up to pay for my basketful of bargains, it was only 9.15am and there was already a fucking queue…un-fucking-believable. As I was patiently waiting to get served I couldn’t help but notice some rather tasty looking marshmallows…not any old marshmallows but England Football world cup player marshmallows. I thought I would show my support for the England Team and purchase a packet. YEAH RIGHT of course I will!

Being a Scotsman I will support England to get beat whoever they are playing, what else would you expect, what else could you expect. I will gladly cheer and support David Haye, Amir Khan and Paula Radcliffe and many other English sportsmen and woman when they compete, but the English Football Team, not a fucking hope in hell. That’s just the way it is. It’s not as if the English footballs fans, support or back Scotland when we play. At the end of the day its just a bit of playful and harmless banter for most of us. I have personally stopped losing any sleep or worrying about whether Scotland, my home team Aberdeen win, lose or draw at any sporting event. I couldn’t really care less nowadays. I’m more concerned about enjoying life, having fun and moving forward with my own situation.

…So I bought a packet of those marshmallows with the intention of biting the head off the Ashley Cole lookalike. He is one of England’s most high profile footballers, so you would think he is going to be represented in the packet. As soon as I got home I ripped open the packet and shouted out like a maniac ‘right Cole you dirty cheating second rate lying son of a bitch I’m gonna bite your head off and chew it up, this is for Cheryl Cole and breaking the heart of the nations favourite chav.’

WTF, there were  8 English footballer marshmallows and none of them were black…there were a couple of grey ones that kinda looked Indian and 6  pink ones, I guess they were meant to be the white players with bad tans. I go kinda pink when I get too much sun, so I can buy that. How  was I gonna chew up Ashley Cole and spit him out? The worst thing is that none of the footballer marshmallow were bonny looking loons, they all made Wayne Rooney look like he was a male model, they were really, really fucking ugly.

The closer I looked at the Marshmallows the more they all looked like Bobby Charlton, WTF…yes they were Bobby Charlton look alikes. Ashley Cole was going to get a reprieve it was his lucky day. I closed my eyes and pretended the Marshmallows didn’t look quite so ugly and I shoved a whole one in my big mouth. And thankfully there was a happy ending, they tasted hell of a lot better than they looked.

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