A Free Diet Coke You Must Be Fucking Joking

I was reading the free daily rag this morning and as usual it was worth how much it costs! However there was one story that grabbed my attention, and that was the Super Scooby burger. This wasn’t any old tiny burger like you get at McDonalds or Burger King. It was a fucking monster burger, which was created by Bristol café owner Nick Lomvardos.

The Scooby Burger is a heart attack waiting to happen and contains 2,645 calories. That is more calories than that stick insect Kate Moss consumes in a month. I would love to watch her eat it, I think she would have a heart attack just looking at the thing, let alone smelling it.

You may be wondering what is in the Scooby Burger, well there is two lettuce leaves, six slices of tomato, which is as healthy as it gets and makes up 29 of the burgers 2,645 calories. If you are a vegetarian don’t read the rest of this paragraph. There are four beefburgers, eight rashers of bacon, eight slices of cheese, 12 onion rings, three different relishes and two burger buns. I don’t know why he hasn’t put a couple of eggs in it as well, fucking amateur. As you can imagine the ingredients will be the cheapest and worst that you can buy from the cash and carry.

Nick the café owner reckons it is impossible to eat the thing, if he is so sure why is he only offering a measly can of diet coke to those that can. I will congratulate him on his marketing skills and all the free publicity that he is going to get for the sake of few cans of coke. I love the quote form so called super Scooby fan Lugio Armato, who tries to eat one a week, and says, “You have to be real man to eat one”. More like you have to be a real fat bastard that doesn’t give a crap about your health.

The Super Scooby, represents amazing value for money and it even comes with some chips. It only costs £10 for the 3lb 4oz and 6in tall monster. In London, it would probably cost treble..

I wonder if he is allowed to call it a Scooby burger, he better watch out he doesn’t get a letter from the lawyers of AOL/Time-Warner, who are the owners of Scooby Doo. But then again I can imagine he could also get some more free publicity when they contact him  to change the name!

I know for some Americans something like the Super Scooby burger is just a wee snack, which they would devour and still be looking for more. For us Brits it is however a colossus of a burger, something that most of us would have a heart attack if we tried to eat it all. Our bodies aint conditioned to eat so many calories in one go, like some of our Yankee cousins.

By looking at the picture of it, I think it is something I could demolish if I was hungry enough and it tasted good enough. I would probably need a bottle of tomato ketchup to add some flavour to it though, but I aint jumping on the train and going all the way to Bristol to have a go. Especially when the prize for eating the Scooby Burger is a one miserable can of diet Coke, you must be fucking joking.

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